Figures of Speech

 *   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

*   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

*   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

*   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

*   If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

*   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

*   War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

*   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

*   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

*   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

*   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

*   I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

*   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

*   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

*   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

*   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

*   A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

*   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

*   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

*   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

*   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

*   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

*   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

*   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

*   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

*   A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

*   Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

*   I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

*   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

*   If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?